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Lanie's Articles  |   Essays From M.H Borden

A Penny for My Thoughts Part 2

Common Cents

Last issue I confessed to finally succumbing to reading Becoming Your Own Matchmaker by Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, wrongly assuming that I would have nothing in common with her approach to matchmaking. But as I previously reported I was really surprised that I agreed with most of what she said.

Of course when you think about it, dating is dating and common sense is common sense. In the end, it seems, it doesn’t matter what your income or social status may be, using that good head on your shoulders won’t hurt when playing the dating game. In other words, play smartly to help ensure a happy outcome.

Women are often interested in knowing how men think about women and lean closer to me when the subject comes up. According to Stanger, men ‘s major complaints about women are:
She’s flaky
She’s needy
She’s demanding
She’s high maintenance
She wants to live beyond her means
She’s bitter
She’s not rational (I’m guessing this is to the nth degree and not “why can’t a woman be more like a man?” a la Henry Higgins)
She doesn’t know what she wants
She’s picky
She’s deceitful
She’s insecure
And of course as mentioned last issue, the number one complaint: she doesn’t cook.

We’re talking here about extremes because, of course, everyone is flaky, needy, insecure, irrational etc. etc. at one time or another. Right? But being bitter, deceitful, high maintenance, unappreciative, and a spendaholic are birds of a different color - at best grating, and at worst unacceptable.

Again this is a matter of common sense. The research supports the fact that women certainly are not supposed to be doormats . Take the notion of critical. Often raised to be nice and not to make waves, many women may put up with behavior they are uncomfortable with, and which can lead to unhealthy and unhappy relationships. So critical doesn’t mean someone who expects to be treated kindly and with respect. Critical doesn’t mean calling someone to task for inappropriate behavior. You know that! Love as a grownup does mean having to say you are sorry and taking responsibility for your actions!

Other tips from the millionaire guru: For those who do Internet Dating, as so many do, beware of the man who asks for a date the minute he makes contact, or more photos or corrects your grammer. Yikes!
And how might you know he’s into you? Some clues: he’s proud of you and introduces you as his girlfriend. He plans dates. He talks about the future, he fixes things if he can or delegates, asks youir advice, buys you gifts, cooks for you, sucks up to your friends and looks out for your family among others. And he takes care of you when you are sick.

Now let’s sum up all the advice and coaching you may get from from millionaire matchmakers or otherwise. (and I do mean otherwise!) A very interesting male client the other day challenged me re the issue of men paying for dates. That antiquated rule made no sense to him and he had some books and articles to back him up. Pay attention, he cautioned me, when you coach women because they are listening to you.

Now if you read most dating books they will encourage men to pay, while some say the person who asks should pay. If you ask most women and most men, they also believe men should pay unless, of course, the woman invites the man out. But here’s the rub and what always needs to be remembered: I’m sure that all rules and dating dos and don’ts have been broken with happy endings throughout the ages. And I’m also pretty sure that there will be some dating guru iconoclast who will disagree with most of the advice of his or her colleagues.

Just like using the Bible to back up an argument, you will find the opposite advice somewhere in that good book. So again I repeat, common sense is key as is flexibility and giving people a break who might not follow some particular rule.

In the end if things are working for you while dating or when in a healthy relationship then don’t fix what ain’t broke, no matter who tells you what. But if things aren’t working out as you hope, you might want to pay a few cents or so for someone else’s advice and common sense and see what happens. Knowledge, as they say, is power!

(This gives me the idea to look at the reasons why some of my clients have broken off their relationships or marriages. I see a very interesting column in there. Stay tuned.)

Lanie Delphin
Mass Match
6 University Drive
Suite 206-218
Amherst, MA 01002

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